Learn how to write an article about the metaverse in 9 minutes

Your boss has told you to write an article about the metaverse today and you don’t know how to do it? You don’t know anything about the metaverse but you want to do like all the best marketers around and write something on the web about it? Don’t worry, Tony is here for you and will give you all the advice you need to write the most impactful article about the metaverse ever. I have a structure that will make you jump ahead of all the competition. Follow me!

The super start

You don’t want to start your article with boring technical details that make people sleep. You have to begin with something impactful, that makes your readers interested in reading the remainder of your post. Luckily for all of us, it is full of analysts that are predicting that the metaverse will be an opportunity of trillions of dollars in the future. Everyone loves TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS, so be sure to begin talking about that. Look on Google for “trillions dollars metaverse” and find the prediction with the most trillions. Every day there are new predictions with new trillions, and you must have the biggest number in your post. If your competitors have written that the metaverse will have a $1T market and you write that it is $8T, you are the coolest person in town and they are cheap losers. Remember: the more trillions, the better. This is “the golden rule of the metaverse”.

One last notice: you may be tempted to try to examine how these predictions have been computed, and also think that they have been made in different economic conditions (e.g. before the cryptocrash or before the war), but don’t fall for this. Remember: checking data is for losers. In any case, when 2030 arrives and the numbers will be wrong (like all the ones predicted by the analysts, which make the predictions throwing dice), people will have anyway forgot that article you wrote 8 years ago. So go on reporting whatever “trillions data” you find, even if it is from the website “cryptofakes.com”.

The definition

Ok, now everyone is following you, and wants to know more about the trillions of the metaverse. The problem is that no one knows what the metaverse is, you included. So it’s a good moment to write a definition of the metaverse for everyone to learn (you included).

Since you have no idea what the metaverse is, you just do what all the good artist do: take inspiration (which means “copy-paste”, but with more elegant terms). There are lots of people already arguing online about what is the metaverse, so why wasting your time thinking about another definition? There are already enough in this world. So head to Wikipedia and copy the definition from there, or quote some experts in the field, like Cathy Hackl, Tony Parisi, John Riccitiello, etc… If you want, you can even add multiple definitions together, so that to confuse even more your readers. Remember: the more your readers are confused, the better, so they can’t argue that what you have written is wrong.

At this point, try adding something of your own to show that you don’t make only copy-paste. The best method for that is called “buzzword salad”, and it is an ancient art that marketers pass on by word of mouth since many generations. You have to write some sentences that include lots of buzzwords of the moment. For instance, you can say that the metaverse includes web3, AI, ML, VR, AR, 3d printing, drones, mobiles, PCs, brain-computer interfaces, cryptopotatoes, and autonomous vehicles. Remember: people don’t know what is the metaverse, so everything counts. Put as many technologies as you can, the more the better.

End all of this saying the magical sentence “THE METAVERSE IS THE EVOLUTION OF THE INTERNET”. Bam, with this one, you have conquered the heart of your readers. This sentence is good because it is vague, so you don’t have to explain the details, but it sounds like something super-important, so people will be impressed.

Neal Stephenson

Don’t forget to mention Neal Stephenson in your post. If you don’t talk about him, your post is not a true article about the metaverse, it is just boring blabbering.

Neal Stephenson invented the term “metaverse” in the novel Snow Crash. Don’t worry if you have not read it, your readers won’t have, either. So you just say it’s a dystopian thing with metaverse everywhere and they will be happy. Depict Stephenson as a genius that “forecasted everything” (he can also forecast lottery numbers upon request).

The movies

Since you mentioned Snow Crash, you can also go on talking about other movies and books that forecasted the metaverse: The Matrix, Ready Player One, Minority Report, Blade Runner, etc… Some boring people may say that Blade Runner didn’t forecast the metaverse, but no one knows what the metaverse is, so who cares. Are replicants the metaverse? Maybe. That’s why you must create confusion, so everything is correct.

Ready Player One is the most relevant of the group because the novel was very popular and the movie about it is very recent. “IN THE FUTURE WE WILL ALL BE LIKE IN READY PLAYER ONE” is a cool sentence you can write. The book talks about a big metaverse company wanting to squeeze the most money from ads proposed to its users, so the prediction is for sure correct.

The validation

Optionally, you can also quote some brands and famous people that have done something in the metaverse. Nike has a world on Roblox, Paris Hilton is in The Sandbox, Balenciaga did stuff in the metaverse, and there was a fashion week in Decentraland. Search with Google “brands metaverse” and take the first results. Don’t care if they are things related to Web3, to VR, to social worlds… these reasonings are for losers. Mix all together.

Ah, and Zuckerberg bought Oculus for 4 billions. And APPLE IS ENTERING THE FIELD. Apple is going to change everything, don’t forget that. You don’t know why, but so it is. Be prepared.

The future use cases

It’s time to make people dream. You talked about Ready Player One, so make them see how our future will be in the metaverse. Depending on the article, you may talk about many use cases, or focus on only one (e.g. education in the metaverse). Remember: you have to make people dream. Take inspiration online and then mention that in the metaverse we will study history by entering into the battles, so learning will have more retention because it will be fun. Some people may argue that more than fun participating in a war in VR you would have PTSD, because in a battle you would see realistic people being dismembered. Such a cool use case. Others may argue that we have had games and 3D technologies for decades but we all still study on books, so this prediction is nonsense. But remember: people that reason, are boring. Keep making people dream telling them about how one day we will work in the metaverse, so we spare the time and money of the commute. That we will train in the metaverse: the boring people will tell you that training experiences are actually “VR” and not “metaverse”… but I mean… what is the difference? If replicants are metaverse, also VR is metaverse. Tell them how we will have fun in the metaverse, drinking the beers of the metaverse that taste like metaverse (no one knows what is the “metaverse”, so you can use this word wherever you want, to substitute all the other worlds of the vocabulary). The metaverse will change everything. But it will keep our old traditions (another positive word to actually say “problems” of the current world): you can still create debts to buy virtual land in the metaverse!

Mention also statistics, because people love them. Again, the source doesn’t matter, just report sentences like “The Potato Institute has forecasted that metaverse education is worth $559M in 2030”, or “67,35% of people said that are interested in training in the metaverse”, or “My Cousin Inc made a report that 34.5% of participants have said the word ‘metaverse’ and ‘tomato’ in the same sentence”. People like numbers, so the more you add to validate your thesis, the better.

Remember for the SEO to repeat a lot of times the words “metaverse” and the one of the use case you are talking about.

China

If you say something about China, you show that you are an expert regarding the whole planet, so it’s better that you say something about the Red Dragon. Luckily China is like the metaverse: no one knows exactly what happens there, so whatever you say about it in the West is taken for good. Most probably you don’t know either, but this is not a problem, because I tell you the main key points you have to touch on:

• China Big, so China Metaverse Big
• WeChat has many users, so imagine WeChat in the metaverse (whatever it means)
• The digital yuan is already a reality, so China has already its currency in the metaverse

Mix these topics with a buzzword salad (Chinese AI, ML, drones, etc…) mention TikTok (which is “a metaverse” of course), and at least once Xi Jinping and you are done. You are now also an expert on the “Chinese metaverse”

When is this going to happen?

You have depicted this fantastic future and people will want it now, but it’s time that you tell them the truth: “It is coming in 5 to 10 years”. “5 to 10 years” is a common expression we use for things for which we don’t know the actual timing. It has been carefully crafted by scientists this way, because it is a time that is short enough that your readers feel it close enough, but distant enough that your readers would have forgotten your wrong prediction when it actually arrives. So, trust the science, and repeat “5 to 10 years” with me.

The metaverses

People will now be sad about the fact that they have to wait some years, so it’s time to say that the metaverse is actually already available now and make them happy. Roblox has dozens of millions daily users. The Sandbox has Snoop Dogg already smoking weed in the metaverse. Decentraland is very popular. VRChat has thousands of people screaming “This is de wei” every day. World Of Warcraft is still popular. Beat Saber is the most famous VR game, and made more than $100M. Pornhub has million daily views. Take whatever platform has many users, and say that it is “a metaverse” of the current days and has so many users. It’s full of (fake) stats about the users on these platforms, so just take them from Google and you are good to go.

Go on saying that there are so many popular “metaverses” already today. Because if you are cool talking about a single metaverse, imagine how cool you are if you talk about many of them. You are like the king of the metaverses.

Finish with the golden statement in which you say that these metaverses are now separated, but one day they will be interoperable, and so you will be able to buy a dildo in VRChat and use it as a weapon in Counterstrike. I’m not gonna lie, I would use it immediately.

Privacy

Ok, now that your readers are happy again, it’s time to take them down again in this emotional rollercoaster talking about the “privacy risks” of the metaverse. Start mentioning Black Mirror, then Google “Zuckerberg vampire” and put one of the photos you find in the article, saying that Meta is going to steal all your data in the metaverse. The world will become super-dystopian and privacy won’t exist anymore… the big corporates will know about your fetish for unwashed feet covered with chocolate. You kinky boy.

But then it’s time to take people up again, because if they become too worried about the metaverse, they are running away from it. So give them hope by saying that “regulators are working on it”, or try to make the privacy violation appear as a positive thing: “Maybe Zuck has your same fetishes and you can become best friends forever”.

The end

Finish again with new dreams about the future in the metaverse, and the hope that it will change the world for the better. Then remember them that they have to start preparing for it now, or their competitors will supersede them.

BEFORE you publish

You have finished the article, but before publishing it you have still to do three SUPER-IMPORTANT things.

The first is finding a catchy title. Usually, it is “How the metaverse is going to disrupt [whatever you want]” or “5 reasons why the metaverse is going to change [whatever you want]”. Even here, you just “take inspiration” online. Remember: use the word “disrupt” because it always sounds cool.

Then add some stock photos to the post. They must be those nonsense ones, where people wear Gear VRs but use their hands to interact with VR. Even better, use the ones that not only are utter nonsense, but that people have also seen a bazillion times, like this one below. People will trust you more if you keep the traditions.

In the end, remember to go to your LinkedIn and change your job position. No one wants to hear the thoughts of a “marketer” or a “developer”. These are jobs for losers. So start defining yourself “Chief Metaverse Officer”, “Metaverse Wizard”, “Metaverse Futurist” or “Metastrategist” to be like the cool guys. No one knows what these jobs mean, and this is perfectly in line with the current situation of the metaverse. If you really want to be the best, pick an even stronger title: remember that if Paris Hilton defines herself “The Queen Of The Metaverse”, everything counts.

AFTER you publish

Some people will criticize you on Linkedin saying that what you have written is just a bunch of nonsense. Tony Parisi will also probably put a horse head in your bed because you wrote “metaverses”. Ignore them, they are just envious of your knowledge. Instead, answer with many hearts and glittered GIFs to all the ones that made compliments to you and your knowledge.

Profit

Enjoy the fact that you are now a metaverse expert! You are now free to fly with your own wings… remember about me when you will be a Chief Metaverse Officer of some big company. I am already so proud of you!

(Header image by AMZ DA CRUZ, from Unsplash)